Both Hands
by miriya v
Summary: A Missa and Miriya Collaboration! 2x5, 3x4 This is ridiculously old, and ridiculously overdone. Duo has a fatal illness, and the others are left to pick up the pieces.


Both Hands  
by: Missa and Miriya  
Disclaimer: We do not own the G-boyz, and both hands was written by Ani Difranco.  
Warnings: 3x4, 5x2, death fic, divergence, extremely sad  
Warning from Miriya: Talen's taken over me...so beware, it's freaking sentimental. And gratuitous POV changing is abundant...heheh...my bad.  
  
AN: This was extremely hard for us to write. The amount of depth and emotion that was placed into this story is by far the most we've ever experienced. We would really appreciate comments and feedback on this, even if it's only one line saying that it was good, or that it sucked. Please this really means a lot to us.  
  
  
Both Hands  
  
~I am walking  
out in the rain  
and I am listening to the low moan  
of the dial tone again~  
  
Rain.  
  
The steady patter of the storm soaking thirsty asphalt, drenching my body in its desire to consume whatever it touches. Once, I was told that the rain was the tears of angels...I wonder if they're Duo's?  
  
Gods I miss him, everything about him...I can almost taste him in the rain, feel the feather-light press of his lips on mine, even as I know it's only that rain. The memories...  
  
No, Wufei, you are strong, you are adamant, you can pick up the phone and dial, ne? Don't lose yourself, now...you've got a mission to fulfill...  
  
Ignore that voice, that hollow tone stings so bad in its efforts to comfort. Funny how when in such great pain, everything becomes a "mission" to me-I wonder if that's how we all dealt with the pain?   
  
Don't you remember--Quatre--no one spoke of what happened after that night. He couldn't take it anymore, was too far gone for even Trowa to save him, though that emerald-eyed sentinel stands guard over his love still. Quatre never saw what we did as a mission, and it was that which finally consumed him.   
  
He loved a world which could not love him back, and that destroyed him.  
  
I never called him weak, I knew his pain, the agony of feeling others, before I learned to block it out. But he didn't want to, and it drove him mad. And now he sits there, looking out the window at absolutely nothing-and there is no need to explain those sudden, silent tears...does he feel it?  
  
The steady pulse, then the ring, it sounds so far away...then his voice. "Trowa?" It's almost too much to speak, the grief and agony crashing down in waves, a riptide of emotion that's pulling me under, and it would be too easy just to slip-  
  
"Wufei." Damn it, that voice and Trowa's are perfectly harmonized, I know I spent far too long with them... "Is he alright?"  
  
Trowa knows, we made it no secret. Duo had been sick for so long, something that had festered in that tiny body, something from the streets... your past will never let you forget, always has its dark sneer imprinted in the back of your mind, always reminding you that you can never make it okay...   
  
"He's gone." Silently, I congratulate myself for keeping my voice steady, holding back the tears long enough to let the message out. And I know he understands, in a way, that Duo was luckier than Quatre, he found a way out, he's finally free. Then why does it hurt so much?  
  
"Alright." I can hear the trembling in Trowa's voice, and cut off the connection. There's no need to continue, despite our camaraderie, it's all been said. I sit down, ignoring the chill of the weather, and stare up at the gray sky. Raven hair slides down my forehead, plastering itself to my face...Duo would never let me cut my hair, he used to play with it like a fascinated kitten...damn it, I can still feel that gentle, timid touch-  
  
Because I don't want to forget. I never want to forget anything about Him.  
  
There is still more. Heero. The keys are quick to my fingers, we all know how to reach each other in case of a tragedy...we never expected this. Again, that hateful, apathetic tone, he picks up on the first ring. Of course, Heero was always alert, would life as a civilian dull that much in just a few years?  
  
I repeat the words like a mantra, I know he's gone, and I have to tell them all...  
  
"Hn."  
  
For a moment I hate him, more than anything in the universe, for being so fucking cold and unfeeling. But it's not that, of course, we all have our way of dealing, and I know Duo made an impact on us all.   
  
Surprisingly, he continues. "I'm sorry, Wufei." The words are rasping, hoarse, as if coming from an old instrument, out of tune by lack of use. It's all okay... "I know what he meant to you...we all cared for him." That was as close to solace as I would get from the perfect soldier, not that I was seeking--the observations are almost clinical.  
  
And the conversation's over.  
  
I stand, soaked, dizzy from the blood rush to my head...everything works against me, you know? If Duo were here, he'd be dancing in the rain, ashen face alight with a kind of inner joy that I could never find.   
  
And the memories return, even as I open the battered door to the apartment building.   
  
  
  
~and I am getting  
nowhere with you  
and I can't let it go  
and I can't get through...~  
  
  
I am not the cold-hearted soldier of ice that everyone believes me to be... How can I be that when I sit here, crying at the loss of my best friend? I choke on my breath, I feel the pain of the memories lance through my soul of ice... a soul that is constantly melting, water rushing, the river inside me... something that I am not used to.   
  
Something that Duo started.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Ne, Heero? Why are you so cold to everyone? Haven't you ever gone out and done something fun?"  
  
"No, Duo. It has no place in my life. I am a killer. I am not allowed such frivolities."  
  
"You reasoning is faulty, Heero... after all, I am a killer also. I am an assassin... I am Shinigami." This is said with an almost insolent smirk, a cheery mocking smile, "If I can have fun, then you can have fun too!"  
  
I puzzled this over, looked to see if his logic was faulty, seeing if he was right. "You are right, Duo... but it is irrelevant. I do not know how to have fun."  
  
"Heero.. do you trust me? I am your best friend, ne?" And he looked at me with such pleading, hope-filled eyes.  
  
Right then, I felt a little bit of the icy exterior that surrounded my soul melt. //Duo considers me as a friend? I have never had a friend before... Is he my friend?   
  
I've never really had a friend before. But Duo has always been there for me as friend should. I trust him with my life... Does that mean he's my friend?// I looked closely at Duo's expectant face. //He *is* my friend.//  
  
"Yes Duo... I--I do trust you."  
  
"Then let me show you what fun is, Heero."  
  
"Hn." Is that my response to everything?  
  
He grabbed my arm, and began to pull me outside. I stopped him, only because it was raining--I didn't understand how going into the rain could be fun. "Duo... what are you doing?" I asked, the confusion evident in my voice, face scrunched into an expression of intrigue. This bright child truly was an enigma...  
  
"I am going to show you how to play in the rain."  
  
"How can it be fun? All that happens is that you get cold and wet."  
  
"Ah! That's where you are wrong, Heero! There are so many things that you can do in the rain that are fun. Rain is one of God's gifts to us, and we should make the best use of it. Now let's go."  
  
Memory, heavy and bright--  
  
Still confused, I let him lead me out the door, watching as he ran, gallivanting into the fearsome storm, almost becoming lost in the sheer intensity of the downpour.  
  
"Come get me, Heero!"  
  
I shrug as I walk into the rain. I can't see Duo anywhere... //Where did he go? What kind of sick game is he playing with me?//   
  
Tiptoe slowly into the storm, my eyes scanning the barely focusable surroundings, the sheets of rain obscuring my vision, and I'm almost afraid I'm gonna disturb something.   
  
My heart stops as something slams into me, knocking me into a muddy puddle. "Ha ha! Got you Hee-chan!"  
  
"Duo... omae o korosu!!"  
  
Ne, Heero, you just don't get it yet do you? The object of this game, is to try and find one another and whoever finds the other first gets to do something fun to them! Like how I pushed you into the puddle."  
  
//I get it...// "So you mean that I could do something like this?" As I asked the question I scooped up a handful of mud and dropped it down his shirt.  
  
"Eep! That wasn't fair Heero! Now you gotta catch me!"  
  
I watched as Duo took off at a run, his lunatic antics playing havoc on my damaged soul. He seemed to be opening something inside of me... something that wasn't there before. //Or was it there... just buried underneath years of endless training?//  
  
I felt the beginnings of a smile light my face, and for once I didn't school my features... for once... I was something other than a soldier.  
  
I take off after him at a run of my own, catching quickly up to him. As I go to grab him from behind, his foot slips and we both go tumbling down the rain-slicked hill.  
  
Something inside me breaks at the feeling and a laugh escapes my lips. A true laugh... the first one I've ever had. A laugh that is full of pure joy, all my emotions that were kept buried rising to the surface, reflected in that single, crystalline prism of sound.  
  
We rolled down the hill, laughing the entire way. As we reached the bottom Duo asked me a question.  
  
"I told you it could be fun Heero... did you enjoy it?"  
  
"Duo... I have never felt anything like that before... never in my entire life..."  
  
He looks at me, a soft smile lighting his face. "There's more, Heero, there's always more."  
  
I nod to him, for the first time in my life understanding what drove Duo on. He wants to make people happy... and for the first time in my life I am.  
  
~*~*~*~*~~  
  
I shudder as the memory fades, the sadness rising to replace the happiness that I had once felt. The knowledge that never again would he be there to make me laugh. He will never be there to talk to me... He is gone. A hole, opened in my soul at that thought--I do not know how to deal with this pain... this sense of infinite loss...  
  
But I know that I would never trade my friendship with Duo... even if it meant that this pain would go away. Duo was too important to me... And if I'm feeling the pain this bad...I can only imagine what Wufei is going through.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
I hold the harbinger to my chest for a moment, blinking back sudden agony, unwilling to believe...knowing that if I put down the phone then the words are true, that the violet-eyed child is gone. Close my eyes, will it gone, know it's not enough...  
  
The phone drops soundlessly onto the couch, and I face the truth. Duo...is no more. His pain is relieved, he's free, now...but it still hurts, oh gods, it hurts...  
  
My mind moves like a ghost to Quatre, silent, rocking in the worn wicker chair, feeling the saddened cerulean eyes on me...  
  
I look up.  
  
How many years of agony etched into that gaze, spelled out in the gentle, softly lined face, pain that he can't handle, that he can't share with me...I'd take it all away, if only I could. But he won't let me-  
  
Wordlessly, he gives a nod, trembling as he turns once more to stare out the window, I don't have to say anything, he feels it, too. Another ache to bear, to hold close to his heart...  
  
There is understanding in those silver tears.  
  
~the old woman behind the pink curtains  
and the closed door  
on the first floor  
she's listening through the air shaft  
to see how long our swan song can last~  
  
My heart and mind open once again, as if to mock me, and I succumb once more...  
  
Violet eyes flutter open, fear visible in his expression. I sit once more by his bedside, as I've done for so long... waiting out the night, watching him fade before my eyes...oh, gods, Duo...  
  
"Wufei-" his voice a hoarse whisper, I stop suddenly, something's *so* wrong... He calls again.  
  
"I'm here, itoshii...I'm here," I murmur, brushing lusterless chestnut bangs back from his face, as it relaxes, if only infinitesimally. His cadaverously thin hands reach up to grasp mine, trembling, and I just want the pain to end...I'm so helpless; I've always been helpless--  
  
Tears escape him, as if those fantastic violet eyes are bleeding... "Wufei...I can't see."  
  
Silence. Profound and mocking, descends upon the room, shrouding us in it's ghastly embrace. There's nothing to say, I know the doctors said it would happen eventually, he's practically disintegrating, there's nothing I can do for him. So instead I attempt to move over to him.  
  
"Don't go, Wufei, please, don't leave me..." he's so much like the lost child, and there's nothing to do except hold him, hug his dying body close and lie, tell him everything's gonna be okay....  
  
~and both hands  
now use both hands  
oh, no don't close your eyes~  
  
  
I stand there string at the receiver in my hands, not seeing it... not seeing anything. Images flash through my mind... images of the past... of my past with Duo. They start- a flash at first, each heartbeat, breakbeat; one swirl of thought and emotion indistinguishable from the next. My breath catches as they begin to form a pattern... a pattern that starts at the beginning.... the beginning of our time together.   
  
~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~   
  
I glance over at the angel that lies next to me, watching as he smiles softly in his sleep. Gods... he has opened up a whole new world for me. //I can hardly believe that he picked me... Why me? He could have had anyone. Such beauty, words can not really describe him--so deep so pure... matching what he holds in his pure heart.//   
  
I remember the first time that we were together. I had had a crush on him for quite some time... actually I believe that it was more of an infatuation.   
  
He intrigued me.   
  
There was something about him that drew to me, that pulled me into the direction that he was going; his smiling face filled me with errant, unexplainable happiness. Watching him humanize Heero was always an interesting sight-it was that act which made me believe that he could possible help me too. For the first time I craved attention... craved love.   
  
As if sensing my inner turmoil, he approached me... often just talking to me, like I was a wild animal, speaking words that had no meaning... words which I pretended not to listen to, but which I really clung to, seeking wisdom even in the most obscure of his nonsense. He must have known, somehow, my feelings towards him, for he confronted me about them, letting me know that it was OK- letting me know that he returned those feelings.   
  
I would, I will, always remember that night. The night that I gave him my heart and he gave me his in return. I know that he truly did love me. I have some empathic abilities... much like Quatre, but only directed to those who I am close to... nowhere near as developed or as strong as the tormented soul who carries the weight of a universe's sorrow on his fragile shoulders.   
  
I read Duo's heart that night-our first night-and found for myself how deeply one person could love another. There was no ulterior motive behind his affections... just pure, unadulterated love. His love for me seemed to fill his entire soul, in a sense becoming his essence- becoming him. I was shocked and amazed by this fact, and I vowed from that moment on that never again would I doubt him... never again would I doubt his intentions... his love for me. I was so happy at that moment, so sure of what I had finally found.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~   
  
Hang up the receiver, knowing that I have one more call to make; hesitating, knowing that by making this call all that I have known would truly be gone, becoming nothing but a speck of sand in the desert of time. I close my eyes and lean against the cold glass of the telephone booth, wanting to remember-needing to remember. I hope to remember more of the happy times we shared together, gods know there were so many. But like before, they elude me. Instead, memories of the first time Duo collapsed float to my mind; the first time we realized that something was wrong with him.   
  
Before that time...when Quatre died...if only in spirit...   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
I glance next to me, at the grinning baka who's having too much fun trying to make ginger bread men. Christmas time has come upon us pilots and we had all once again gathered at Quatre's house to share memories and friendship. I glance at Trowa and Quatre, each of them trying to cover each other in flour, both laughing merrily at their own antics. They always compliment each other so well...   
  
There is Heero, trying to put the lights on the Christmas tree... that's the third time I've seen him rewrap that strand. He will always be the perfectionist. And Duo, standing next to me-he has Trowa and Quatre beat in the flour department; without any help from anyone he has managed to get himself covered in flour, the fine dust stuck in his hair, little smudges stuck to his face; his clothes covered in the white powder. He has never, not once, looked as cute as he does at this moment. He turns to me and gives me a winning smile as he holds up his pan for me to see.   
  
"Wufei! Looky! Aren't my ginger bread man the best?"   
  
I try hard to suppress a laugh as I look at the images on the platter.   
"Aa. Nice ginger bread men... or should I say Gundams? Deathscythe, to be precise?" There is no scorn in my voice, only contented peacefulness...  
  
He grins at me, flipping his errant braid over his shoulder, amaryllis eyes sparkling in excitement and joy. "Well, some things should never me forgotten, ne?"   
  
I pull him close and kiss his sticky forehead, ignoring the flour, offering him a smile, "no, some things should not be forgotten."   
  
He grins at me again and flounces over to the oven, to bake his little Gundams. Watch as his step falters once, but quickly regaining the same exuberance as before. I turn away for an instant, hearing Heero curse at the Christmas tree.   
  
clang  
  
My eyes swivel back to where Duo was standing, but instead of being there; he's laying on the floor in a boneless heap, shining eyes hidden by closed eyelids.  
  
"DUO!!!"   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
I try to stop the memories, not wanting them to continue down the path they had started. Not wanting to remember those, not knowing if I could face the pain I felt... the terror... the hope... I was a fool for hoping.   
  
But it was all I had.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
"Doctor, what is the prognosis?"   
  
He looks at me, his eyes heavy lidded and carrying the crow's feet of wisdom at the edges, full of sadness. "I don't know what is wrong with him, young man. I have never seen this type of illness before. It looks like a degenerating disease... a disease that will slowly sap away his strength until it finally kills him... but that is only an educated guess. I have not seen the likes of this before."   
  
I nod slowly as I hear Quatre take in a shuddering breath. "Aa. So there is hope?" Ever the optimist, the shining hope, star-bright angel.  
  
"Son, there is always hope. Once one gives up hoping... there is nothing left. It would not matter if he survived or not."   
  
I nod as the doctor left, leaving us alone with our family that had been formed during the war-with our comrades-our brothers.   
  
Duo glances up at me with a small, sad smile on his face. "Wufei... I--I'm sorry..." As if it's his fault, and he's trying to atone...  
  
I lean down slowly and press my lips to his to quiet his words. "Everything will be fine, Duo. There has to be a cure somewhere... We're Gundam pilots-we always protect our own." Nods of affirmation from all around, it's this, our brotherhood.  
  
Quatre's voice speaks up from behind me. "You are our friend, Duo. You know that we will do everything in our power to help you..." The confidence in his voice almost unnerves me. He seems so sure... I began to let myself hope as well. Our positive comments seem to cheer Duo up. He gives us a true, heartwarming smile, and says, "I will get better... and I'll have you guys to thank for it."   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
I sighed in relief as the memory leaves me, knowing that it was the start of the chain of events that had led up to this moment.   
  
That was only months before Quatre finally lost control of his gift. Before it swallowed him whole.   
  
Duo spent the next following months after getting out of the hospital with Trowa, helping him cope... helping him deal with the loss of the person he loved most.   
  
I pull the quarter out of my pocket and insert it into the phone, the next memory taking me completely by surprise.   
  
  
~I am writing  
graffiti on your body  
I am drawing the story of  
how hard we tried~  
  
I brush a feather-soft kiss against my Duo's forehead. His illness has progressed faster than anticipated. We still had no luck in finding the cure for it... It was down to just me and Heero searching for it. Quatre could no longer help us, could no longer help anyone... and Trowa... Trowa was too consumed by his grief to be of any use. In actuality, I think this almost killed 3 of us. The problem was simple, yet so inanely complex-we couldn't find out exactly what was wrong with him. We didn't know what to do.  
  
I watch my hands as they move over the ashen wasteland that is Duo's body, tracing limbs that no longer function properly. Knowing that my itoshii would never again frolic in the rain, like the child he was inside, never again to laugh at the littlest things. Never again to grin, his face showing joy and delight.   
  
//NO! I will not think like that! My Duo will get better. He will not let some nameless illness get the better of him-he has survived some of the worst plagues that ever struck his colony. He is strong! He will survive this... he will live...//   
  
I smile as that thought becomes rooted once again in my mind.   
  
The denial has set in, but it's all the solace I have.  
  
He smiles, the effort taxing him, blinking sightless eyes at the world he'll never again see. That kills me, Duo is in love with life, and all I can think of is 'it should have been me.'  
  
~I am watching your chest rise and fall  
like the tides of my life,  
and the rest of it all~  
  
I watch as every day there is less and less of my Duo. He can hardly move, anymore, and my heart rends itself open a little bit deeper. We need to find a cure for him... we need to reverse what has happened. It is hard to watch him slowly fade away into nothingness, to watch his life being drained away from him, piecemeal. There are times when I find it hard to face the day... to face Duo in this way. I wake up every morning with a hole in my stomach, wondering if he has left this world while I napped, his heart stopping while I am out searching for his cure.   
  
His breathing grows more ragged, day by day... I almost wish that he would find his final release, I know he's in pain; but I won't give up, and I know that he feels the same. He has too much faith in us... too much trust. I sadly fear that his trust has been misplaced.   
  
  
~and your bones have been my bed frame  
and your flesh has been my pillow  
I am waiting for sleep  
to offer up the deep  
with both hands~  
  
As if answering an unspoken plea, I wrap my arms around him, bringing his shivering, weightless body closer to myself, as if I can take it all away, scared of releasing him. I know each time I leave could be the last, and I've died countless times, pulling teeth in grim anticipation, the bus ride home was never fast enough, and it was then that I'd run home, begging him to be waiting there for me, praying to all the gods in existence that I wasn't too late-  
  
He moves, bringing me back from that reverie, and I reach out to touch the expanse of his skin, that broken vessel, and I feel as if he's lucid-I can feel my heart in the quieting thud of fading heartbeats.  
  
"Wufei?"  
  
"Hmm?" I cradle him, rocking slowly, lovingly...  
  
Memory on memory, colors and swirls and I'm lost in the tide...  
  
~in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall  
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all~  
  
"I'm sorry, Wufei..."  
  
Another kiss to his cold cheek, gods, when did he get so cold? My own body cannot warm him enough, and that is another tally on my list of inadequacies. "Don't be sorry," I soothe, stroking that once magnificent mane...he doesn't know that it's falling out with each fragile touch, "it's not your fault, love."  
  
I think he likes to hear me say that, knowing that I'll not abandon him.  
  
"Please," and again those tears fall, prey to my chapped lips. Kiss away the tears, what else is there?   
  
"No more, Wufei, don't leave anymore."  
  
My eyes widen, don't tell me, Duo, don't give up-  
  
"Just...let me go...please." Such pain in that soft whisper, agony that would only be prolonged...  
  
I cry, bitterly, tears of wrenching grief when I realize that Duo was too far gone to bring back-he knows. Whether we had found the cure or not. His body almost faded... nothing like he used to be. Nothing like he was meant to be. And in turn, he tries his best to comfort me, and all I can do is sit back and watch him die, as it's his turn to tell me it'll be alright...  
  
I informed Trowa of his decision, not wanting to-gods know, he has enough of his own problems to deal with. Heero... I do not need to tell him anything. He probably figured this out a long time ago.   
  
Recently, I had to sever the slight link that I had always shared with Duo. His pain was affecting me too much. It is not something I can handle, not without going insane-and he needs me. The stress of his pain and sorrow are too much for my weighted soul to bear.   
  
I miss that link, that bond with my beloved.   
  
And I sit back, helpless, watch him die just a little more...  
  
  
~and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall  
and eventually the landlord will come  
and paint over it all~  
  
I do all I can for him, holding him, rocking, crying, singing softly, spending time with him-before it's all gone. Before, I was too busy searching for his cure, too busy trying to save his life, trying to save my soul.   
  
Now... now I have nothing left to do but this. There will be nothing left after Duo is gone... why not remind him of the happier times in our lives? I glance at the pictures on the wall... the happy memories floating by in a rush, settling on the here and now.  
  
Settling on the fact that I will lose my angel.   
  
  
  
~and I am walking  
out in the rain  
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again  
and I am getting nowhere with you  
and I can't let it go  
and I can't get though~  
  
I can tell that it is time.   
  
Duo, barely breathing, still smiling, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he fades a little more. His brilliant eyes close in agony as the pain hits him... his eyes... the most beautiful thing about him. The one thing left untouched by this damned disease, dulled though they've become. The beauty radiating from them, even now in his last hour.   
  
I quickly run downstairs to the pay phone outside, and inform his doctors that he is about to pass... and that we want his final moments here... with me.   
  
Where he belongs.   
  
After hanging up the phone, I race back up the stairs, my heart thudding painfully against my ribs, oh, gods, at least it's still beating... I hope that call did not make me miss these last minutes with Duo, no matter how painful for me, I do not want him to be alone.   
  
My heart still beats strongly, even as I know that he is still here. I want to be able to talk to him... to be able to know what he is thinking, and cautiously, I reopen the link I used to share with him. This way I will be able to sense his thoughts... his emotions... I will be able to be connected to him in this way during his final departure.   
I gasp, a hoarse cry wrenching its way from my throat as the intensity of his pain hits me.   
  
Apparently, our link grew stronger over time.   
  
I struggle past the pain that envelopes him, thus enveloping me; searching reaching out to touch his thoughts, feelings, making the connection as strong as I can. I will not abandon him in his final moments.   
  
I gasp as I feel his love for me rise up through the barrier of pain. It has not decreased in the slightest... In fact... it has grown stronger, as well.   
  
I place a shaking hand on his arm, eyes wet from my own tears. His trembling is so bad, I can see the supernova, aftershocks rippling up my arm, digging into my soul like a rusted blade. Another prayer whispered, sightless eyes turn towards me.  
  
"This is it, ne, Wufei?"   
  
~So now use both hands  
please use both hands  
oh, no don't close your eyes~  
  
I cry out, gasping for air, nearly collapsing in grief and agony. Ever the jester, my broken angel is going home...  
  
Hiccupping, wiping my eyes, I choke on my words. "Duo, don't go, please..."  
  
"I'm sorry, Wufei, I'm so, so sorry..." I can't help myself, I fold around him like origami, wrapping myself around my whole world. Never, never before have I felt such pain as this- His face so pale, cadaver cheeks, dark circles around his eyes...oh, gods, he's leaving me...  
  
"Don't close your eyes, Duo...don't leave me here...oh, gods, please..." I'm begging, now, and there's no way to stop, if I stop, he'll be gone-  
  
"Still here, 'Fei," he mumbles tiredly, curling up against me like a cat, and the ache in my heart is intensifying by the moment, warm tears soaking the top of his head like...like the rain...  
  
And I can't speak, I can't breathe...  
  
A deep cough. "It was a good fight, though, doncha think?" His body shakes violently, and I realize it's laughter-or at least an attempt. "I just wish I coulda been better for ya." Skeletal fingers clutch at the sheets, and a wistful smile touches his lips.  
  
Oh, gods, the tears won't stop... "No, Duo...I wouldn't have missed this for anything...we've had it rough, but I wouldn't give any of it up had I the chance. You're the best thing that ever happened to me...and I love you, Duo. I always will."  
  
He smiles, a dim reflection of that manic grin. "Damn straight we've had it rough, Fei...take care of yourself, okay? We sure did try...don't be sad, Fei, don't..." The words don't continue, his body goes suddenly limp in my arms, eyes fluttering shut one more time.  
  
"Oh, gods...Duo..."  
  
Where that link once was, there is only great a great gaping hole, and I know a part of me has died-lost forever.  
  
~I am writing graffiti on your body  
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried~  
  
My memories leave me now... all that was passing before me, coming to the now. I dial the last call I must to make... the last call before I can fall, a swandive into my torment.   
  
"St. Gabriel Memorial Hospital...can I help you?" A bored, distant voice asks from across the line. //No, you can't help *me*...//   
  
But my voice is rational. "Yes, concerning the patient Duo Maxwell..."  
  
The voice suddenly perks up. "Duo? Yeah? How is he?"  
  
Heavy hearted, I realize how wide his impact was on the world... "He...passed away." I can hear the sudden choking in the receptionist's voice, the faltering cadence, I feel your pain, truly I do, "Oh. Alright, we'll send the coroner out immediately." A pause- "And I'm sorry. Duo was an incredible boy."  
  
Hanging up the phone, I finally collapse against the wall, soaked by the rain, with my tears. I'll never forget you, love...I'll cherish your memory till the day I join you...  
  
Sudden peace-I can almost feel something warm and gentle surround me, loosely binding that gaping chasm in my soul...  
  
...his essence still remains.  
  
  
~how hard we tried  
how hard we tried~  
  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
Little angel, this time is short,  
They need you where they are,  
Touch grace and smile upon us,  
Go, my child, to that star.  
This world now but a memory,  
So painful, yet so sweet,  
I weep not, for you're happy there,  
Go now, my child, the angels meet.  
Embrace the life you now will live,  
Hold not to what is past,  
The sunlight's warmer where you are,  
Go now, my child, free at last.  
The memory of this world grows dim,  
Touch down where angels trod,  
This rest you've earned draws ever near,  
Go now, sweet child, to God.  
  
~Tonya's Song~ by Miriya Valentine  
  
***fin***  
  
Miriya: *collapses, sobbing against the comp* Waaa!!! I'm so sorry!! I really did cry as I wrote this mean thing!!! *wipes eyes* Hope you like it!!! Oh, yeah, and the poem at the end was something I wrote when my friend Tonya died last year...I think that might have been where some of this stuff came from. I'm not really trying to be mean...  
  
Missa: This was the most beautiful thing that our minds have ever created. Feeling the loss of a loved one is a deeply saddening experience. I can only hope that we have captured that feeling and touched your hearts.  
  



End file.
